change your thoughts and you change your world

hiatus - my apologies.
i found myself so incredibly busy that i didn't even have a chance to post.
been thinking a lot about changing my thoughts.  you can't turn your feelings on and off, but you can definitely change the way you think about something, and i think it is about time i do that.

so starting a little while ago - that is my plan.  i am going to emotionally open up, since, apparently, that is what i have been lacking.  and i agree.  there was a part of me that was not allowing other people in. i was choosing people that would allow me to not be entirely involved at all, and i could get out when i wanted at any time. no real commitment.  no real dependency. 

and now i get why.  i'm just waiting for "Dexter".
maybe it is time to change my thoughts.

the ex-boyfriend couch

it is not the couch that is the problem, really.  it is what the couch represents.  it is hard to explain to people why i hate this couch so much.  they try to tell me who cares if "he" bought it with you, he is long gone and now it is your couch.  but that is just it, he DID buy it with me.  don't you get it?  this is not just a couch...it is the first thing i see when i walk in the door of my house, it is what i sit on to write this blog even, or watch a movie, or make out with a boy on (which happens on rare occasion).  he chose this couch.  i didn't even want it.  i am not a fan of leather couches.  and i thought that the reclining seats were not useful.  and it cost so much money.  but he wanted it, and what he wanted he got.  for 8 years what he wanted he got.  and if he didn't he sulked, or caused a fight, or turned it around as if i don't let him do or get anything.  he always made me feel like i was this horrible person that was depriving him of something when i disagreed with him. so to me this couch isn't just a couch, it represents 8 years.  and i think it's time i sold it. 

destiny?

I spend some of my time, much of my time, reflecting.  Reflecting on everything to try to make sense of what is occurring in my life. I love to be able to have ideas that people connect to because they understand, or have had a shared experience, or empathize.  I often strive to share pieces of myself in hopes that other people will know they are not alone. 

Right now I am reflecting on my insatiable desire to be loved.  To be loved with someone’s whole heart that I could selfishly say is all for me.   I am constantly wrapped up in this game of trying to get that which would make me head over heels, while being fearful of ending up a spinster, haha. It is the fear that encourages women to settle.  As I am approaching my dirty thirty – which is still a couple of years away – I find myself concerned and questioning what it is that I have been attempting to hunt down.  

I am questioning the boy I feel destined to marry – destined to be with forever.  It is funny because my entire being feels like he is “the one”, and I am not even dating him! Many people know I love this man, and some are jaded with the idea of him, given our past and the way he acts on occasion.  I also wonder if I am I chasing this guy because I can’t have him and if I do get him, will I want him, or will the thrill dissipate?  It is not that I don’t love him, because I do, very much so.  I just don’t know if I should wait around for someone that may not be able to, or want to, give me his whole heart. 

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
--Mahatma Gandhi

Two Contrasting Poems: both about Love

Placeholder.

You were just a placeholder, my friend. 

The attention and charm grabbed me, pulled me away from my path,

And into your bed.

I became wrapped up in the allure of you,

I became wrapped up with you.

I felt special.  And needed.  And wanted. 

I grasped so hard at what you gave to me.

It was so easy for you.

You turned my thoughts around in mere weeks. 

But you, sir, were a placeholder. 

It amuses me to think about how you could just swoop in there,

The words you used

And you knew how to do it.

Five months after I had made some life changing decisions,

You were there,

And I thought you were there for me,

I was mistaken, sadly mistaken. 

But you, sir, were a placeholder. 

I watch you slither, and snake your way

To make others feel special too.

I watch you watching me

And at first I laughed,

And now I think about how you are able

To start this all over again. 

You sir, were my placeholder,

And now you can hold the place in someone else’s life.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Defined.

I can’t even pinpoint what it is exactly,

But I know it is love.

People ask me to define it,

To explain it,

And I can’t, but I know it is love.

They ask me to write a list,

To show the reasons,

But it is no use,

I already know it is love.

We fight on occasion,

And support each other in the next,

We share stories and smiles,

And words sometimes with just our eyes,

And I know it’s love.

You challenge my thoughts,

We talk intelligently,

And I want to be able to roll over and see your face,

I want to be able to hold your hand while walking

And I know it’s love.

Father's Day

You know when you are a teenager and all you want to do is go out with your friends?  And during that time, for those however many years you may have uttered the words, "I hate you" to one of your parental figures?  I imagine those words, even coming from the teenage mouth, must have stung.  And while I can't take any of those times back, I can make sure that I am showing my love for these people now. 

Today I spent Father's Day at my parents house.  I enjoyed the company of my family and I am quite happy that I made the suggestion about a year ago of beginning family dinners on Sunday's at their house.  So, outside of birthdays and occasions, we spend the first Sunday of each month at my parents house for dinner.  We have even talked about a family vacation this Christmas break. 

It is always important to remember what matters. 

Why I Continue to Fall in Love

Simply put, because it feels good.

I just spent a while creating this wonderful blog post about being in love and why I continue to keep my heart open and then my Internet decided it hated me and it stopped working and I lost the post.  Perhaps this post will be better.

When you are with someone there are two possible outcomes of that relationship; you stay together or you break up.  I think that often people forget that small little fact.  The truth is your heart is going to be broken more than it is going to stay whole.  I think someone telling you they care deeply for you is one of the most flattering things you could hear even if you do not reciprocate.  Someone loves you enough to tell you and loves your whole being and that should make anyone smile.  Even if you like someone and are not in a relationship with them there are two possible outcomes if you tell them, they like you or they don't. 

So while my heart has been broken many times, I will not close it off to world, or the world will close itself off to me. Instead  I will continue to love, and hope and smile for those I have met and those I have yet to meet. 

For a heart to be broken there had to be love there in the first place, and that is something to be thankful for.
So everyday I smile for the boys and men who have been allowed into my heart, and I smile for the men who will be let into my heart, because one day I will find someone who keeps my heart whole.

Creativity. Inspiration.

I sometimes wonder where creativity comes from.  I was sitting at my desk at work today reading the Luminato http://www.luminato.com/ schedule and came across a play called Tout Comme Elle (Just Like Her) and an idea for a play hit me.  I quickly opened up word and began vigorously typing my idea out.  I slammed down about a page or two of script and then a page of ideas, so as not to forget them.  I am really pumped for this new idea.  And while I love creativity, and I love this new idea, I haven't even finished my previous play.  My previous play, Together We Cry is in the editing process and draft 3 of however many it may take. A friend of mine wrote about this recently in her blog http://www.catherinelowrites.wordpress.com/ how she was writing a novel and came across another idea, but how she needs to complete on thing first and not abandon her current writing project.  So while I am excited about this new idea I guess I should put it on hold for now while I finish the other play. 

On a daily I am inspired by something or someone or something I read. Inspiration comes from the most interesting of places.  I wasn't planning on writing something new, and bam! here I am, writing something else.  And I am so thankful to have a creative, artsy mind.

To forgive or not to forgive?

So I want to pose a question.  When is it okay to "forgive and forget" per se?  I mean, I don't want to necessarily just give in and be okay with everything and I also don't want to forget totally (fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice shame on me...)...  I just want to be okay.  It's like time makes us forget a little, ya know?  Like as time goes on we heal from whatever hurt that we have had in our lives and the feelings we felt a year ago no longer exist.  It is like you are less mad, or less sad, or less hurt, or less whatever.

And while I value ALL of my experiences, yes all of them, because they all have a place in making me, I need to stop LETTING people hurt me.  We all could benefit from doing that.   Seriously think for a second about that person (or people) who you know hurts you again, and again, and again, and you let them. You let them in, and open yourself up and they crush you, and then you forgive and you let them in and they crush you (can you see the pattern here???) My goal for the next year is to NOT let anyone hurt me. That is my piece for the day.

Our lives are what we make them to be.

Happy June!  :-)

Blast from the Past (or The World's Best Day!)

What a crazy day!  In the past couple of days I have encountered numerous people from my past. 

Let me give you a scenario - you know when you are in a store and you are buying Advil in your pj's and you look like you have been hit by a freight train and haven't slept in 3 weeks and are likely hungover AND THEN your ex boyfriend from high school shows up and while you are scouring for the liquid gels he notices it is you and you look up and you realize that he is super gorgeous and you glance down and instantly your inner voice is yelling, "SHIT!", and you sigh and smile and try to look your best while thinking of an excuse as to why you look like crap, but all that comes out of your mouth is, "Hi there ___________.  So good to see you!"??  You know those days? 

Well, that was NOT my day!  Everyone I saw today saw that I looked good.  It was so convenient that I happened to have an appt to do my hair this morning with my fabUlous hair stylist - Ashley at Fringe Salon in Georgetown - and she made me look great (as always) and after that and for the rest of the day I ran into a billion people from my past - including my ex boyfriends roommate, kids I used to teach, parents of said kids, an ex boyfriend, former colleagues, and a boy that I sometimes have a crush on (slash that I'm in love with).  I had amazing hair and a great outfit on - I am so glad I went home to change - and I just was looking good today.

My favourite quote of the day, "I didn't even know that was you!  Wow!  You look great!  I love your hair.  You look sexy.  So sexy.  It's like you are saying, I want to get laid.  Shit. Wow." 

I will take that compliment.  Ha ha. 

Great day!

Weddings

I think it is that season.  Wedding season.  This can be considered one of the happiest times of the year as we are surrounded by love everywhere, all the time.  I had a long discussion with a friend today about whether or not she would be taking her fiance's last name.  She feels that she wants to keep that part of her identity and if she takes her future husbands last name she may lose a part of herself.  She asked if I would take it.  I told her that Aydin and I had a long discussion about it and we decided we would both take his step dad's last name; a man we both loved and admired, rather than his bio-dad's name.  I told this girl that I would happily accept this part of him as it was a way of committing to each other.  Even though in the olden days it was a passing of a daughter from a father to the husband - I am happy to have the choice and I would have taken his last name. 

I am in Starbucks again. Last time I was here there were wedding consultants in here with clients.  Today I am watching a local Photographer discuss his work.  I might as well plug them since I have now stalked and found them through my impressive detective skills. http://www.renaissancestudios.ca/ Clint is the photographer that is here.  He had back to back people so far and from the website it looks like they do pretty good work. 

The same person I had a discussion with earlier about the last name we also discussed how the Rapture is now coming on October 21st and how I have to get married before then.  Haha.  5 months to go - and I am right in the middle of Wedding Season.  Or mating season.  (Weddings are great for men to find women to sleep with, I assure you Wedding Crashers was a great concept from what I've seen at weddings...) In either case I am ramping up; have my dresses picked out for the various weddings (can't have the same people seeing me in the same one, heaven forbid), figuring out how to fit flip flops into my clutch for the reception, shaving my legs, finding dates and participating in both Wedding and mating season.  :-)

Happy almost end of May!

The Art of Doing Nothing

There is an art to doing nothing because you are most probably doing something rather than doing nothing.  I cannot imagine doing absolutely nothing, rather, my doing nothing implies I am doing no work. So right now I am doing nothing. I am sitting in a beautiful hotel room in a chair with an ottoman.  I have floor to ceiling windows behind me looking out over the Byward Market.  (If you do not think Ottawa is glamorous, maybe you do now!) So while I am doing nothing, I am still doing something, just only things I want to do.

I took my niece on her first plane ride yesterday.  She was so excited and nervous at the same time.  She wanted a window seat and liked the idea of being able to watch Dr. Phil, as there was an episode she wanted to watch that day, on her own personal TV. In the airport we ran up and down on the moving sidewalks, went in some stores, talked about airports and airplanes and security checks.  I tried my best to let her be as independent as possible in this experience.  As the plane began to move out of the terminal she began to get nervous.  I assured we were just "driving" at that moment and when the plane goes up, "the nose will tilt up so we kind of lean back and it may be a bit shaky, but it's like a bus ride in the air".  She said okay.  I wanted her to be informed of what was going on.  I told her that the wheels going up or down sometime make noise as well.  We popped our gum into our mouth as the plane taxied on the runway.  She closed the window because she did not want to be afraid when we were taking off.  We closed the window of the seat in front of us too.  We even had an extra seat beside us and when I tried to move over before we took off she looked like she would kill me.  So I stayed in the middle seat, close to her.  As the plane went up she grabbed my arm, so I held her hand as we took off.  She was smiling and excited, but she didn't know what to expect.  After a little while of ascending, (thankfully without turbulence) she opened her window and looked down.  She watched the world get smaller and the cars disappear as we flew out of Pearson.  She was giddy with excitement and slowly she retracted her hand and sat a little more comfortably in her chair.  She was on a plane. 

I, on the other hand, was not able to assume my take off and landing positions that looks like I am praying when we took off and landed because I didn't want to scare my niece into thinking something was wrong. Haha. I, for some reason, always assume this position.  As we descended into YOW airport we hit a few patches of some turbulence and I acted as if it was nothing, I didn't flinch, I just turned to her and let her know that this sometimes happens on descent.  Oddly enough, it didn't even phase her.  She watched the whole way onto the ground.  As soon as that announcement came that we could use our cell phones I dialed my sister's number and passed Tay the phone.  I knew my sister would be worried until we actually touched down and landed in Ottawa. 

We got here and ordered room service!

Yesterday was a big day for my sister and my niece...and well...for me.  And now we are getting dressed to go get pedi's and go shopping.  As I sit in this chair and do nothing, I smile.  It is going to be a great weekend. 

Song Reminders

Do you ever hear that song that reminds you of so much of a past time that you just sit back and smile? That nostalgia that you feel when you hear the song just makes you want to call someone, or share the song with anyone that will listen. Or how about a song that you feel you are in complete harmony with as if it speaks the words with a rhythm and beat and pattern that you connect to with your whole being?  You know those songs?

Do you have songs for people?  A song that no matter where you are or when you hear it you instinctively think of that person that it relates to?  Sometimes this is enlightening, sometimes saddening, sometimes makes you smile, but mostly it helps you to remember that part of you that was, or is, filled by that person.  An old best friend, a past lover, a current lover, a family member that has passed on, a child; these songs help you remember the importance these people had or have on your life.  Or sometimes it relates to a specific moment in your life - something impactful, a memory and a song, almost like a movie. 

It is like a wedding song.  You spend all this time thinking of what song would represent you or mean the most to you.  A song that will be timeless.  A song that you will look back upon and smile no matter where you are or what you are doing (provided you are still married :-p).  I sit here in Starbucks.  Listening to the people in here and watching.  There are two couples meeting what looks like their wedding coordinator.  I wonder what their wedding songs are.  (By the by - weddings are a lot of work!  Dio Mio! Kudos to those of you who have already done one!) As I sit here I listen to my IPOD and I think about what these songs mean to me and who they remind me of. 

Leather and Lace - Stevie Nicks and Don Henley - AM
More than a Feeling - Boston - DR
Inside Out - Eve 6 - BD
The Boxer - Simon and Garfunkel - ME
Losing My Religion - R.E.M - KE
Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas - AM
Fall For Anything - The Script - CL
Love Song - Sky - BD
K-K-K-Katy - Geoffrey O'Hara - GE
Dead Man Walking - The Script - KE
I'll Be - Edwin - IH
Lucky - Jason Mraz - DdS
I Want you - Savage Garden - AnM
Fuck You - Cee Lo Green - DT
Boston - Augustana - JO
Anna Begins - Counting Crows - JK
Not Afraid - Eminem - JK
Fairytale - Katy Eldridge - AM/KE
Hear My Song - Jason Robert Brown - AM/DdS
Landslide - Fleetwood Mac - RV
Pass The Dutchie - Musical Youth - JD
Push It - Salt n'Pepa - SH
Romie - Beenie Man - SH
Time to Say Goodbye - Andrea Bocelli - AM
We Cry - The Script - DC

Travel

In the past year and a half I have adopted the motto of, "I'm IN". I have travelled to so many places on my "list".  You know the list of places you want to go in your lifetime?  I have one.  So this past year and a half I have been to:

Dominican Republic
Jamaica
Boston
Paris
Chicago
Cancun
NYC

I also plan on doing another NYC trip.  Las Vegas and perhaps back to Cancun.

"Sometimes you just gotta go off the map for a bit.  Find that place in you".

Following my feet.

Step #1 - Finding Happiness

One of the first things I did on my road to recovery is I picked up a book with a friend called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. This book is inspiring.  It starts with small steps and focuses on you explicitly.  For so long I had been focused on someone else.  Making someone else happy.  Do you know how hard it is to be focused on just yourself.  To be self-full (not selfish, they are different) and to worry only about what makes you smile?  Well my suggestion (and Gretchen's) is to start with a list the makes you happy.  I think this list can be constantly changing depending on the day, year, your mood, your friends, etc.   I suggest to post it somewhere where you can see it and remind yourself that you are a priority in your own life.

What makes me happy:
My niece and nephew, the first snowfall, directing, writing, cactus cut potatoes, fresh laundry, Sunday dinners, documentaries, reading the newspaper, soccer, musicals, plays, new hair colouring, shampoo massages, Planet Earth movies, travelling, road trips, white wine, my Saturday ladies....I'm going to keep thinking about this :-)

2 Years Ago

2 years ago I had big plans. I had a house, a boyfriend I loved dearly, and a career. We lived in the burbs, and I was all ready to play happy homemaker and Betty Crocker, when it hit me! I do not want to marry this person....

I had been with my boyfriend for 8 years when I decided that this was no longer working.  Somewhere along the way the path we had taken had split.  It was like out of nowhere it hit me.  How could I marry this person who I had nothing in common with, who I barely shared more than a bed with, who I did not agree with on parenting children (that were yet to exist)?  It was not going to happen. 

And you know what some of my friends said?  "About time, K".  "Finally".  "Took you long enough to leave that douche bag". 

Where were these people before this moment?  How come no one let me know?  I mean, I probably wouldn't have fully believed them, or broken up with my boyfriend because of what they said, but it would give them gloating rights when it did eventually happen, along with a bout of  "I told you so's". 

Anyway, 2 years ago I began my life.  MY life.  Not our life.  Not his life.  It was all mine.  And I was excited. 


P.S. It wasn't all that easy though to break up and to deal with all the firsts for the next year (first Christmas alone, first birthday, New Years, etc).  It was a long process that took time to work through.  But at no moment did I want to go back.  I began a new journey. 

My Pretty Little Dream.