change your thoughts and you change your world

hiatus - my apologies.
i found myself so incredibly busy that i didn't even have a chance to post.
been thinking a lot about changing my thoughts.  you can't turn your feelings on and off, but you can definitely change the way you think about something, and i think it is about time i do that.

so starting a little while ago - that is my plan.  i am going to emotionally open up, since, apparently, that is what i have been lacking.  and i agree.  there was a part of me that was not allowing other people in. i was choosing people that would allow me to not be entirely involved at all, and i could get out when i wanted at any time. no real commitment.  no real dependency. 

and now i get why.  i'm just waiting for "Dexter".
maybe it is time to change my thoughts.

the ex-boyfriend couch

it is not the couch that is the problem, really.  it is what the couch represents.  it is hard to explain to people why i hate this couch so much.  they try to tell me who cares if "he" bought it with you, he is long gone and now it is your couch.  but that is just it, he DID buy it with me.  don't you get it?  this is not just a couch...it is the first thing i see when i walk in the door of my house, it is what i sit on to write this blog even, or watch a movie, or make out with a boy on (which happens on rare occasion).  he chose this couch.  i didn't even want it.  i am not a fan of leather couches.  and i thought that the reclining seats were not useful.  and it cost so much money.  but he wanted it, and what he wanted he got.  for 8 years what he wanted he got.  and if he didn't he sulked, or caused a fight, or turned it around as if i don't let him do or get anything.  he always made me feel like i was this horrible person that was depriving him of something when i disagreed with him. so to me this couch isn't just a couch, it represents 8 years.  and i think it's time i sold it. 

destiny?

I spend some of my time, much of my time, reflecting.  Reflecting on everything to try to make sense of what is occurring in my life. I love to be able to have ideas that people connect to because they understand, or have had a shared experience, or empathize.  I often strive to share pieces of myself in hopes that other people will know they are not alone. 

Right now I am reflecting on my insatiable desire to be loved.  To be loved with someone’s whole heart that I could selfishly say is all for me.   I am constantly wrapped up in this game of trying to get that which would make me head over heels, while being fearful of ending up a spinster, haha. It is the fear that encourages women to settle.  As I am approaching my dirty thirty – which is still a couple of years away – I find myself concerned and questioning what it is that I have been attempting to hunt down.  

I am questioning the boy I feel destined to marry – destined to be with forever.  It is funny because my entire being feels like he is “the one”, and I am not even dating him! Many people know I love this man, and some are jaded with the idea of him, given our past and the way he acts on occasion.  I also wonder if I am I chasing this guy because I can’t have him and if I do get him, will I want him, or will the thrill dissipate?  It is not that I don’t love him, because I do, very much so.  I just don’t know if I should wait around for someone that may not be able to, or want to, give me his whole heart. 

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
--Mahatma Gandhi

Two Contrasting Poems: both about Love

Placeholder.

You were just a placeholder, my friend. 

The attention and charm grabbed me, pulled me away from my path,

And into your bed.

I became wrapped up in the allure of you,

I became wrapped up with you.

I felt special.  And needed.  And wanted. 

I grasped so hard at what you gave to me.

It was so easy for you.

You turned my thoughts around in mere weeks. 

But you, sir, were a placeholder. 

It amuses me to think about how you could just swoop in there,

The words you used

And you knew how to do it.

Five months after I had made some life changing decisions,

You were there,

And I thought you were there for me,

I was mistaken, sadly mistaken. 

But you, sir, were a placeholder. 

I watch you slither, and snake your way

To make others feel special too.

I watch you watching me

And at first I laughed,

And now I think about how you are able

To start this all over again. 

You sir, were my placeholder,

And now you can hold the place in someone else’s life.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Defined.

I can’t even pinpoint what it is exactly,

But I know it is love.

People ask me to define it,

To explain it,

And I can’t, but I know it is love.

They ask me to write a list,

To show the reasons,

But it is no use,

I already know it is love.

We fight on occasion,

And support each other in the next,

We share stories and smiles,

And words sometimes with just our eyes,

And I know it’s love.

You challenge my thoughts,

We talk intelligently,

And I want to be able to roll over and see your face,

I want to be able to hold your hand while walking

And I know it’s love.

Father's Day

You know when you are a teenager and all you want to do is go out with your friends?  And during that time, for those however many years you may have uttered the words, "I hate you" to one of your parental figures?  I imagine those words, even coming from the teenage mouth, must have stung.  And while I can't take any of those times back, I can make sure that I am showing my love for these people now. 

Today I spent Father's Day at my parents house.  I enjoyed the company of my family and I am quite happy that I made the suggestion about a year ago of beginning family dinners on Sunday's at their house.  So, outside of birthdays and occasions, we spend the first Sunday of each month at my parents house for dinner.  We have even talked about a family vacation this Christmas break. 

It is always important to remember what matters. 

Why I Continue to Fall in Love

Simply put, because it feels good.

I just spent a while creating this wonderful blog post about being in love and why I continue to keep my heart open and then my Internet decided it hated me and it stopped working and I lost the post.  Perhaps this post will be better.

When you are with someone there are two possible outcomes of that relationship; you stay together or you break up.  I think that often people forget that small little fact.  The truth is your heart is going to be broken more than it is going to stay whole.  I think someone telling you they care deeply for you is one of the most flattering things you could hear even if you do not reciprocate.  Someone loves you enough to tell you and loves your whole being and that should make anyone smile.  Even if you like someone and are not in a relationship with them there are two possible outcomes if you tell them, they like you or they don't. 

So while my heart has been broken many times, I will not close it off to world, or the world will close itself off to me. Instead  I will continue to love, and hope and smile for those I have met and those I have yet to meet. 

For a heart to be broken there had to be love there in the first place, and that is something to be thankful for.
So everyday I smile for the boys and men who have been allowed into my heart, and I smile for the men who will be let into my heart, because one day I will find someone who keeps my heart whole.