destiny?

I spend some of my time, much of my time, reflecting.  Reflecting on everything to try to make sense of what is occurring in my life. I love to be able to have ideas that people connect to because they understand, or have had a shared experience, or empathize.  I often strive to share pieces of myself in hopes that other people will know they are not alone. 

Right now I am reflecting on my insatiable desire to be loved.  To be loved with someone’s whole heart that I could selfishly say is all for me.   I am constantly wrapped up in this game of trying to get that which would make me head over heels, while being fearful of ending up a spinster, haha. It is the fear that encourages women to settle.  As I am approaching my dirty thirty – which is still a couple of years away – I find myself concerned and questioning what it is that I have been attempting to hunt down.  

I am questioning the boy I feel destined to marry – destined to be with forever.  It is funny because my entire being feels like he is “the one”, and I am not even dating him! Many people know I love this man, and some are jaded with the idea of him, given our past and the way he acts on occasion.  I also wonder if I am I chasing this guy because I can’t have him and if I do get him, will I want him, or will the thrill dissipate?  It is not that I don’t love him, because I do, very much so.  I just don’t know if I should wait around for someone that may not be able to, or want to, give me his whole heart. 

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
--Mahatma Gandhi

Two Contrasting Poems: both about Love

Placeholder.

You were just a placeholder, my friend. 

The attention and charm grabbed me, pulled me away from my path,

And into your bed.

I became wrapped up in the allure of you,

I became wrapped up with you.

I felt special.  And needed.  And wanted. 

I grasped so hard at what you gave to me.

It was so easy for you.

You turned my thoughts around in mere weeks. 

But you, sir, were a placeholder. 

It amuses me to think about how you could just swoop in there,

The words you used

And you knew how to do it.

Five months after I had made some life changing decisions,

You were there,

And I thought you were there for me,

I was mistaken, sadly mistaken. 

But you, sir, were a placeholder. 

I watch you slither, and snake your way

To make others feel special too.

I watch you watching me

And at first I laughed,

And now I think about how you are able

To start this all over again. 

You sir, were my placeholder,

And now you can hold the place in someone else’s life.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Defined.

I can’t even pinpoint what it is exactly,

But I know it is love.

People ask me to define it,

To explain it,

And I can’t, but I know it is love.

They ask me to write a list,

To show the reasons,

But it is no use,

I already know it is love.

We fight on occasion,

And support each other in the next,

We share stories and smiles,

And words sometimes with just our eyes,

And I know it’s love.

You challenge my thoughts,

We talk intelligently,

And I want to be able to roll over and see your face,

I want to be able to hold your hand while walking

And I know it’s love.

Father's Day

You know when you are a teenager and all you want to do is go out with your friends?  And during that time, for those however many years you may have uttered the words, "I hate you" to one of your parental figures?  I imagine those words, even coming from the teenage mouth, must have stung.  And while I can't take any of those times back, I can make sure that I am showing my love for these people now. 

Today I spent Father's Day at my parents house.  I enjoyed the company of my family and I am quite happy that I made the suggestion about a year ago of beginning family dinners on Sunday's at their house.  So, outside of birthdays and occasions, we spend the first Sunday of each month at my parents house for dinner.  We have even talked about a family vacation this Christmas break. 

It is always important to remember what matters. 

Why I Continue to Fall in Love

Simply put, because it feels good.

I just spent a while creating this wonderful blog post about being in love and why I continue to keep my heart open and then my Internet decided it hated me and it stopped working and I lost the post.  Perhaps this post will be better.

When you are with someone there are two possible outcomes of that relationship; you stay together or you break up.  I think that often people forget that small little fact.  The truth is your heart is going to be broken more than it is going to stay whole.  I think someone telling you they care deeply for you is one of the most flattering things you could hear even if you do not reciprocate.  Someone loves you enough to tell you and loves your whole being and that should make anyone smile.  Even if you like someone and are not in a relationship with them there are two possible outcomes if you tell them, they like you or they don't. 

So while my heart has been broken many times, I will not close it off to world, or the world will close itself off to me. Instead  I will continue to love, and hope and smile for those I have met and those I have yet to meet. 

For a heart to be broken there had to be love there in the first place, and that is something to be thankful for.
So everyday I smile for the boys and men who have been allowed into my heart, and I smile for the men who will be let into my heart, because one day I will find someone who keeps my heart whole.

Creativity. Inspiration.

I sometimes wonder where creativity comes from.  I was sitting at my desk at work today reading the Luminato http://www.luminato.com/ schedule and came across a play called Tout Comme Elle (Just Like Her) and an idea for a play hit me.  I quickly opened up word and began vigorously typing my idea out.  I slammed down about a page or two of script and then a page of ideas, so as not to forget them.  I am really pumped for this new idea.  And while I love creativity, and I love this new idea, I haven't even finished my previous play.  My previous play, Together We Cry is in the editing process and draft 3 of however many it may take. A friend of mine wrote about this recently in her blog http://www.catherinelowrites.wordpress.com/ how she was writing a novel and came across another idea, but how she needs to complete on thing first and not abandon her current writing project.  So while I am excited about this new idea I guess I should put it on hold for now while I finish the other play. 

On a daily I am inspired by something or someone or something I read. Inspiration comes from the most interesting of places.  I wasn't planning on writing something new, and bam! here I am, writing something else.  And I am so thankful to have a creative, artsy mind.

To forgive or not to forgive?

So I want to pose a question.  When is it okay to "forgive and forget" per se?  I mean, I don't want to necessarily just give in and be okay with everything and I also don't want to forget totally (fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice shame on me...)...  I just want to be okay.  It's like time makes us forget a little, ya know?  Like as time goes on we heal from whatever hurt that we have had in our lives and the feelings we felt a year ago no longer exist.  It is like you are less mad, or less sad, or less hurt, or less whatever.

And while I value ALL of my experiences, yes all of them, because they all have a place in making me, I need to stop LETTING people hurt me.  We all could benefit from doing that.   Seriously think for a second about that person (or people) who you know hurts you again, and again, and again, and you let them. You let them in, and open yourself up and they crush you, and then you forgive and you let them in and they crush you (can you see the pattern here???) My goal for the next year is to NOT let anyone hurt me. That is my piece for the day.

Our lives are what we make them to be.

Happy June!  :-)